I Had to Learn to Listen to My Body All Over Again

For years, I’ve encouraged women in our studio to listen to their bodies, take modifications when they need them, and remember that movement doesn’t have to look the same for everyone.

This year, I had to learn that lesson for myself in a way I never expected.

After major surgery, unexpected complications, three surgeries in two days, and 75 days without exercise, I walked back into my first barre class unsure of what my body would let me do.

I wasn’t trying to prove anything.

I was simply exploring.

And what that class taught me changed the way I think about strength, recovery, and movement.

A Little of My Story

In 2020, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I underwent a double mastectomy and chemotherapy during a year that was already incredibly difficult for all of us.

At the same time, the studio was facing challenges of its own. Because of COVID’s occupancy restrictions and my inability to teach, I had to close the studio for six months. We finally reopened November 7, 2020 (two weeks after I finished chemotherapy), and from there we began the long process of rebuilding our community.

Like so many small business owners during that time, I was completely unprepared for what we were facing.

There was no roadmap.

So I did what so many of us did.

I kept going.

Over the next several years, I worked hard to rebuild the studio and our community. We grew. We expanded. We added reformers. Slowly, the studio began to feel alive again.

But over the last couple of years, I began experiencing complications from my breast reconstruction.

After a great deal of thought and research, I made the decision to have explant surgery and undergo a very specialized reconstruction called an SGAP procedure.

I knew it was a major surgery.

I knew every surgery comes with risks.

What I didn’t know was how difficult my recovery would become.

What Was Supposed to Be Two Days Became Much More

The SGAP procedure itself was approximately eight hours long.

Unfortunately, I experienced several complications afterward.

What was supposed to be a two-day hospital stay turned into four days with three surgeries in two days, and a significant blood transfusion.

When I finally went home, I was extremely sick.

For two weeks, I stayed with my sweet mother, who took care of me when I simply could not take care of myself. I was so nauseous and weak from everything my body had been through that even the most basic daily tasks felt overwhelming.

Because of the complications, my restrictions were much more significant than expected.

For six weeks, I couldn’t even lift my hands above my shoulders.

I couldn’t do anything at the studio.

I didn’t feel up to going anywhere.

Between the pain, fatigue, and everything my body was trying to heal from, life became very small for a while.

And then there was another part of recovery that was especially difficult for me.

I couldn’t exercise.

My Mind Was Ready. My Body Was Not.

If you know me, you know how much movement is part of my life.

Exercise is not simply something I do.

It clears my mind. It lifts my mood. It gives me energy. It makes me feel like myself.

So going 75 days without exercise, other than walking, was incredibly difficult for me mentally.

My mind kept saying, “I’m ready.”

My body kept answering, “No way.”

And I had no choice but to listen.

That may have been one of the biggest lessons of this entire experience.

We talk so much in fitness about pushing ourselves, challenging our limits, becoming stronger, and doing more.

But there are seasons when strength looks very different.

Sometimes strength is resting.

Sometimes strength is modifying.

Sometimes strength is accepting that the body you have today may need something different from the body you had three months ago, three years ago, or even yesterday.

Finally, during the last week of August, I was released to exercise again.

On August 29, I took my first barre class.

And I had no idea what to expect.

I Didn’t Go Back to Barre to Prove Anything

I approached that first class as an exploration.

What could I do?

What felt comfortable?

Where did my scars create restrictions?

What needed to be modified?

What was my body actually ready for?

I listened carefully.

There were movements I could do and movements I needed to change.

Because of flexibility restrictions in my back, I already knew yoga wasn’t going to be the right choice for me at that point in my recovery. I also spent some time exploring movement on the reformer on my own.

But what surprised me most was how good barre felt.

I could modify.

I could work within my current range of motion.

I could challenge myself without asking my body to do something it wasn’t ready to do.

And I still got a fabulous workout.

Even better, my body actually began to feel looser.

Was I sore afterward?

Absolutely.

But it felt like my body was waking up again.

Barre Met Me Exactly Where I Was

Since that first class, I’m gradually working my way up to attending three barre classes each week.

And my body feels better after every class.

I am still dealing with a complication from surgery, so I’m not sharing this story because everything is suddenly back to normal.

It isn’t.

Recovery isn’t always a straight line.

But I am moving again.

I’m getting stronger.

I’m learning what my body needs.

And maybe most importantly, I am experiencing something firsthand that I’ve watched our instructors give our clients for years:

Permission to modify without feeling like you are doing less.

That is one of the biggest reasons I decided to share something this personal.

If Barre Intimidates You, I Want You to Read This

So many women walk into TYB+PS nervous about trying barre.

They worry they aren’t flexible enough.

Strong enough.

Coordinated enough.

Fit enough.

They wonder if they’ll be able to keep up.

They worry everyone else in the room will know exactly what they’re doing while they struggle.

I understand that feeling differently now.

When I walked into that first barre class after everything my body had been through, I didn’t know what I was going to be able to do either.

And what I discovered was something I want every woman who feels intimidated by barre to know:

You do not have to do everything to get something wonderful from the class.

You don’t have to move exactly like the person next to you.

You don’t have to prove anything.

You don’t have to earn your place in the room.

You simply begin with the body you have that day.

Our instructors at TYB+PS are truly the best of the best at helping you do exactly that. They can offer modifications and options so you can find the movement that works for your body while still feeling challenged, supported, and successful.

And sometimes that modification isn’t the easier option.

It’s the smarter one.

You Don’t Have to Wait Until You Feel “Ready”

This experience has changed the way I think about fitness.

There will be seasons when your body feels strong, capable, and ready for a challenge.

There may also be seasons after surgery, injury, illness, stress, or simply life when your body needs something different.

Neither season makes you less worthy of movement.

You don’t have to wait until you’re “back to normal.”

You don’t have to become more flexible before trying barre.

You don’t have to get stronger before walking through our doors.

And you don’t have to become the person you used to be before you’re allowed to begin again.

Sometimes movement becomes the place where you start getting reacquainted with yourself.

That’s what barre has been for me.

Three classes a week may not sound remarkable to everyone.

To me, after 75 days of being unable to exercise and wondering what movement would feel like in my changed body, barre classes mean so much more.

They remind me that my body is still capable.

They remind me that progress can be gentle.

And they remind me that strength doesn’t always look like pushing through.

Sometimes strength looks like paying attention.

Sometimes it looks like choosing the modification.

Sometimes it looks like walking into class unsure of what you’ll be able to do and leaving surprised by what you could.

So if you’ve been afraid to try barre because you think you’re not ready, not strong enough, or not flexible enough, I hope my story gives you a little courage.

You do not have to arrive ready for everything. You just have to be willing to explore what your body can do today.

That’s what I did.

And little by little, I am finding my strength again.

X0, Sandi

This is my personal experience following surgery and recovery. Every body, procedure, and recovery is different. Always follow the guidance of your physician or medical team regarding when and how to return to exercise.